Gathering for Neal

High school Neal

A high school reunion was planned for this weekend. We canceled in order to attend Neal’s funeral instead.

Did you have a close group of friends in high school? I did. My school was very small: 7th grade through 12th grade all together on one side of the building, Kindergarten through 6th grade on the other side of the building. I think I remember a statistic that the high school side had 170 students total.

Because of the size, we all clung to each other, regardless of who was a Freshman, Sophomore, or Senior. The jocks and the nerds and the metal heads and the brains and the cheerleaders – we all hung out together. But I was lucky enough to have something special. Within that tight group, I had my own little friends group. It was sometimes larger, and sometimes smaller, but John, JR, Jess, and Neal seemed to be the core, and they welcomed me when I was around. We all had family struggles. We were all poor. We were all smart. These guys were my family and today, I credit them for the the creation of the young woman I became.

When other people let me down, these guys did not. There were times when I would spend the whole day with them, just to feel better, loved, accepted. I would leave my house in the middle of the night and go find them sometimes. I even lived with JR’s family for a while. Our love and acceptance of each other extended to our families, and because we loved Neal so much, we loved his mom and dad, Ruth and Perry.

Sunday, Jess left a message on my phone to ask if I would be attending Neal’s funeral. I thought to myself, “I only know one person named Neal.” Puzzled, I did a Google search Monday morning at work, and found out that Neal had died. I cried. Right there at work.

We are too young for this.

I asked for Friday off and drove to Boise to attend the funeral. There was no question that I had to be there for his family, and in honor of his memory.

Neal and I were not close, in one sense. We haven’t spoken in years. I checked up on him occasionally on facebook. I came across his hilarious stories in my archives (I was the high school paper editor and Neal contributed brilliantly comedic stores). I found old photos of Toe Jam performances, the band the guys formed so many years ago. But I guess I didn’t need to talk to him to feel him as part of me. Neal is family. So yeah, we were close in that sense.

I forgot about the time change, and arrived exactly one hour later for the service than what I planned for. I arrived in time to hear people talk about their memories of Neal, and I learned that I had lost an opportunity to share in the life of a good man by not visiting him in the intervening years. It sounds like he improved the longer he lived.

In the hallway at the church
Jess, JR, Katrina, Scott, and Doni. At a bar not too far from the church

And we had a reunion anyway, because we were there. John couldn’t make it, but JR, and Jess were there, and so many of us. The others, like me, had been welcomed back then into their awesome little clique whenever we wanted to join them. In a moment alone, all swollen with the emotions of seeing so many familiar faces again, the unbidden thought came that it would be so much more perfect if Neal was there. Then I remembered.

And Neal *was* there. But not as much as we wish he were.

Sunset over the Weiser River as I headed to Scott’s house for the night.
I stopped by the river to breathe a little by myself, after the funeral.

The next day I made the long drive back home. I appreciated the beauty of my old home state.

At a rest stop along the way, there were information signs about the Oregon Trail and difficulties pioneers experienced in making the month’s-long journey across the state of Oregon. How grateful I am that I could cross the state in 7 hours for my friend’s funeral.

Southern Idaho is all about agriculture.
Somehow, the desert here can still be beautiful.

8 thoughts on “Gathering for Neal

  1. Crystal,

    You are a blessing to all who know you and many more who don’t.

    Thank you for being who you are.

    Love, Joe

    Sent from Mail for Windows 10

  2. I am so sorry cousin. We are about to celebrate Mom’s 75th birthday today and you had to say goodbye to a treasured friend. Life, what a strange journey. Love you dearly.

  3. We always think there is more time. It’s elusive and then it’s gone. I so understand the shock. We had just talked about my kids losing their father at age 42. WTH? I’m sorry it took a funeral to give you the opportunity to see old friends again. In my high school, the graduating class was 1000. We had Sophomores and Juniors too. The only person I knew from my high school or any other school was my kids dad. You were lucky in some ways. I’m glad you were able to make the trip.

    1. Yes, agreed. Lucky in some ways, and I’m glad I could make the trip. My supervisor is very understanding and let me go without a question. Yes, we just talked about the kids’ dad dying at 42. It goes against our expectations and is that much harder to process.

      I think what you say about “we always think there is more time” is profound. We always think there is more time. I believe it is human nature to be in denial about the inevitability of death, and the knowledge that it could happen any moment. It’s a very hard concept to deal with. I think you have been faced with it and have stood up in front of that idea with grace.

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