A loved Trulove

This is one of the best ways I remember Grandma Trulove: camping.

While I was in New England, my Great Aunt texted to let me know that my Grandma Trulove died at age 99 on May 16. It wasn’t entirely a shock because she had been declining, but still came with the regret at not having visited her more often, and a discussion about whether to cancel my vacation and go home for the service. I decided to stay in New England. It was a lucky choice, since I never heard any information about a burial or funeral. That wasn’t entirely a shock either.

Grandpa Trulove married Margaret Louise after divorcing my other Grandma Freda. This happened before I was born, so I grew up knowing her as Grandma Trulove, and no amount of understanding legalities made her less of a grandma to me. She was loving and welcoming and fun to visit. Grandma loved creating with her hands, and all the grandkids benefitted from her hobby of sewing stuffed animals for us. My favourite was a large purple stuffed rabbit, and my brother’s was a stuffed green dinosaur.

My earliest memories of her are from hunting camp, when I was a child. The family, and a few friends, would all camp together during deer hunting season. The kids would play in camp and most of the adults would go off in search of deer. Grandma would stay in camp to hand out Kool-aid or in case we needed a bandaid. We rarely reached out to her, busying ourselves with digging holes in the dirt, stacking rocks, hurling pinecones or playing in the creek, but it was good to know she was right there.

At home in Klamath Falls, Grandma Trulove presided over the kitchen. She would ask me to help set the large table, and then I helped carry serving dishes to cover the whole table in comfort foods. She liked to paint, and crochet, and by combining her talents and special finds while shopping, she filled the bottom drawer of a dresser in the spare room with gifts. I was allowed to peek into the drawer, where already-wrapped gifts waited for birthdays and Christmas. It seemed magical to me at the time, a reminder that holidays were coming, and that Grandma would never forget.

Grandma Trulove in a Christmas outfit. Look at those shoes!
Here she is posing with a 1974 Lincoln Continental. It was probably the day she and Grandpa bought it.

She also loved to write, and we exchanged hand-written letters all my life until her last few years, when shaky hands made the writing too difficult for her. Once she got older, Grandma always apologized for the shakiness of the cursive writing and the lack of more interesting things to say. Of course I was so pleased to receive one of her letters that I never noticed the things she thought were flaws.

When I was a teenager, Grandma and Grandpa begged for me to come and live with them and go to Mazama High School, only a couple blocks from the house. When I married Tara’s dad, they were proud to make the trip and attend the wedding. Their love was undeniable, and I adored them both.

The best times we shared were when she lived in Sandy, Oregon, which was only 45 minutes away from my home in Portland. I enjoyed our visits so much. In minutes she would begin telling me stories of her life. She told me about when she left home in the 1940s and went to live with her sister in Portland, and how the two of them worked hard to pay the bills and loved the handsome military men that would come into Portland. She told me about the hard times too: her difficult marriage while struggling to raise her babies before she met Grandpa. Most of all she loved to tell me about Grandpa Trulove, who had died in 2002, how he was the best friend and partner she could have wished for, how he always took care of her, and how he gave her a comfortable life with vacations and friends. She loved traveling with him, particularly to Hawaii.

“I don’t know what it is about you,” she said on more than one occasion. “As soon as you get here I just start talking and talking. I tell you things I don’t talk about with anyone.” I told her it was my superpower: people just talk to me. And I asked her to tell me more.

Grandma hated having her photo taken, but I begged for this one and she acquiesced. This is with Tara in Grandma’s place in Sandy, OR in September 2007. I gave her that clock as a Christmas gift many years ago. She gave it back to me when she had to downsize. It’s hanging in my living room right now.

She loved to tell me about her kids and her other grandkids – estranged from my family for some reason. Maybe because they were from a different marriage. She was so proud of them all and excited to show me their artwork and family photos. She told me stories about my mother and father when I was a baby.

She was very proud of her life, and not the typical mooshy grandma stuff, but her individual adventures and accomplishments. When she was in high school, she and her best friend used to stop by the local courthouse on the way home from school, just to sit and watch the hearings. She said it was the best entertainment in town. She got jobs to support the family when she needed to, and she got good jobs, taking over secretarial and financial posts for companies and delighting in the well-earned praise that she received. One of her favourite jobs was in Shasta Lake, California and to the end of her life she marveled at her great luck in getting that job. She talked about creating a whole filing system for Crater Lake National Park in Oregon when she and Grandpa lived and worked there as full time residents. The system was effective and efficient, and she became a valuable resource for the Park offices, being called back now and then to help them on a temporary basis, even after her full-time employment had ended.

Grandma Trulove was a voracious reader, even with poor eyesight. She went through books like meals, eating them up and gaining sustenance from them. She kept bookshelves with her favourites as long as she could, and loaned me some of them: Endurance: Shackleton’s Incredible Voyage, Gone With the Wind, and anything by Louis L’Amour.

Because of her sharp intellect and subtle wit, she was frustrated with her counterparts while living in the retirement home in Sandy, and later in Lebanon, Oregon. She was 92 when she complained to me, “Everybody here is old. All they want to talk about is babies, and their sicknesses and which medications they take. I want to talk about interesting things. There are so many more interesting things to talk about, but they don’t want to.” When she did find close friendships there, it was when she found someone who shared her fascination with the rest of the world.

Grandma’s optometrist was far away in Portland. She needed a good eye doctor because she was legally blind in one eye and partially sighted in the other. “I’ve got to take care of my good eye!” she pronounced. Once I found this out, I took advantage of my employer’s generous family leave policy that allowed me to take a paid sick day to take care of my grandmother. I looked forward to our long days together: the drive to the eye doctor, the waiting room, the visits themselves (she invited me in so I could help explain anything, if necessary), stops for prescriptions afterward, and the long drive back home. She was exhausted by the end of those days, and I was able to keep her spirits up because I was having so much fun.

Grandma and me March 2013 in the waiting room at the optometrist’s office. This is the very last photo I could get her to agree to.

I was broken-hearted when she moved to Lebanon, separating us by 3 hours instead of 45 minutes. That made it much harder for me to visit, and the frequency dropped dramatically. I am sorry about that to this day. My Great Aunt and Uncle live just a few minutes away from the assisted living home, and as a pastor and pastor’s wife, insisted to me that it is part of their church work to visit the elderly in their community. They offered to visit Grandma Trulove, and soon became an active part of her life.

On a visit not too long ago, Grandma was talking about my Great Aunt and Great Uncle, her relatives who had been to visit. I tried to correct her. Grandma was in her nineties and of course things were hard to remember. “No, Grandma, they are from my side of the family. They aren’t actually related to you, but they love you!” Oh my goodness, the look I received. Grandma was almost never angry with me, but that time she made her anger evident. It was as though I was talking trash about her beloved family. She let me know that she was my elder, and she knew more than me, and those two were her family and there would be no further discussion on it! Well, I laughed about it later. But what better compliment than for someone to love your visits so much that she decides you are related!

For at least the last decade, Grandma Trulove wanted to die. I think it was mostly because she missed Grandpa so much, and also because of all the “boring old people” she lived with. She had wretched arthritis and her crafty hands were always in pain and not flexible, so all the hobbies she most enjoyed: painting, sewing, crocheting, and crossword puzzles, were lost to her. She was not interested in computers. Television bored her, and though she always had a set, I never saw it on. She told me without hesitation that she wanted to die, every time I visited. With dry humor she would say, “Well, I was at the doctor on Tuesday. He said I’m in good health as usual.” She would sigh. “I’m ready to go any day, but my body won’t let me: I’m just too darn healthy.” She tried to take it into her own hands by not eating, but her care providers at the home were required to make sure she ate every day. That frustrated her too. She just wanted to sleep and never wake up.

Well, Grandma, finally your battle is over and you won. Thank you thank you for loving me, trusting me, and sharing so many of your stories with me.

23 thoughts on “A loved Trulove

  1. What a great tribute to our Grandma. She was and will always be a huge fixture in my life. Thank you for visiting with her…I shouldve made the drive too. Love ya Cuz

    1. Hey Dan, thanks for stopping by. I’m glad you loved her so much too. You live far away and work all the time, it’s hard to make that visit, don’t be hard on yourself. Love you too. I sure wish we could get together sometime, and drag your sister into the group too! 😉

  2. That’s a beautiful tribute to your extra special Grandma. To be trusted with all their stories is a big deal. My last mother in law was totally blind the last 30 years of her life and never learned how to live with it. She would say every time I saw her that she wanted to die. In that nursing home, I didn’t blame her. I would just say “I understood but not today.” She would grin at me knowing I had her number. You never stop missing them. Ever. My mother in law told me ALL her secrets. I was the only one with her when she passed. What a blessing.

    1. I think that’s what my Great Aunt said she told Grandma Trulove, “not today.” It’s good response when no response seems adequate. I’m glad you had the confidence of your mother in law, too. It’s a very good feeling to have someone trust you enough to share their real life stories. I’m glad to hear someone else talked about dying, because I wasn’t always sure how to think about it. I don’t know how common it is. Some of the people in Grandma’s life were offended and shocked that she wanted to die, as if it was a sin, and she should be ashamed for it. Is it a sin? If so, as sins often are silly, this one is too. I figured she had earned the right to feel however she wanted to. Of course it made me very sad, and I tried to think of ways to make her days less boring, but she was depressed and wasn’t really open to my suggestions. There was a unfamiliar balance between respecting her and wanting to push her, for her own benefit. It was actually inspiring to see her fight so hard in the last year, to assert herself, and see the skill of the care providers at the home in managing her behavior. She was an extremely polite woman who had always followed every social expectation, but in her nineties she decided she could have an attitutde or a grumpy day, and talk back to her providers (with respect at first, then total stubbornness in the final months). Anyway. I miss her.

    1. Thank you Derrick. It would have saved some confusion in my family if we had used surnames, ha ha! There were multiple divorces, so lots of Aunties and Grandmas and such. I used to tell my friends when I was a kid that the bonus of having so many Grandparents at Christmastime meant extra gifts! I’m prior military and at my last workplace, many of us were prior military, so it’s still common for me and some of my friends to refer to each other by surnames.

    1. You are right to say it’s good to have elders in our lives. One thing I loved watching in my Grandmother was how she opened up and left her worries about taboos and behaviors to the side, when she became very old. It was as though she realized her time was more precious and there was no sense anymore in acting as expected, or avoiding topics because they weren’t “appropriate.” This is when I finally learned the good stuff. She didn’t give me much gathered wisdom, and we both agreed we were still figuring it out. She helped me to imagine her life as a young person, and as a woman with a full & textured life, and I think it was a good lesson for me that I can apply to others.

  3. Ohh, much love for her, and for you. ❤ She reminds me of last grandma, father's mother, who left us several years ago after also wishing to die for many many years, ever since her husband died, on her birthday, some thirty years before she did. They were too healthy… I'm glad you had each other.

    1. That is a long time to wish you could die. What a tragedy that your grandmother’s husband died so early, and on her birthday. I’m glad Grandma and I had each other too. I’ve never enjoyed hanging out with an elder as much as I enjoyed my time with her during the years when we lived near each other. I never wanted to leave and after several hours would find her nodding off in front of me because she was too polite to ask me to go. I had to learn to watch the clock and make an excuse so I could gracefully exit and let her take a nap, ha ha!

  4. What a wonderful tribute to our grandmother. Camping with grandma and grandpa is a fond memory of mine as well. In fact visits with grandma and grandpa made up some of the best times of my childhood.  My stuffed animal was a big purple seal. She also expressed to me, her desire to die. She  felt that everyone had left her behind. It was hard to hear her speak that way, however, I understood. She had a very eventful and interesting life and her last years were very frustrating to her. I will miss her very much too.

    1. Katy thank you for your kind words and for sharing your memories too. It’s so fun that the grandkids can bond over which stuffed animal they had. When my little sister Nikki read this, she responded by telling me about her stuffed animal. Grandma talked fondly of you and I’m glad you had the chance to help her out, especially there at the end. She really appreciated it. I miss her so much, but I know this is what she wanted.

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