I wrote this post about Kellen coming out to me, first as a lesbian, then as transgender, back in 2015. Can you believe I STILL am working on it? What stubborn hearts we can be built with, even when we wish we could give up the struggle.
Anyway, in honor of Pride month, I decided to repost this old post. Please read it by clicking the title “Not your parents’ transgender.” It was one of the hardest things I have ever written.
Things have changed, and I keep learning how to embrace the change. Since that post the most difficult thing was their name change. But that’s been three years ago now and I completely think of Kellen as their name, and I cringe while reading all the way through this old post, using their deadname. (See the disclaimer at the top of the post, explaining deadname)
I am fabulously proud of my kids ( In addition to Kellen, this now includes, their fiancé Cameron, their roommate Dane, and Pedro’s twins Liam and Andre). ALL of my kids are kind, loving, and supportive and empathetic and genuine people. It all comes back to that, you know? As a parent, I can gripe about a dozen things I wish my kid would do that match my parent narrative, but that all pales in front of the best quality of all: my kids are the best kind of human being. Kindness wins over everything.
Conscious Engagement 
Much love to you and all of you. You sure have lots of kids suddenly! May you all be as loving and kind as you have been.
Ha ha!! I suddenly have lots of kids! They are all adults, so it’s somewhat easy to adopt them all :o) What a kind thing you said, Manja. They are all loving and kind. How lucky Pedro and I are.
I love this. Raw and honest.
Thank you. I love you, friend. ❤
It’s just the kind of sharing that helps with understanding. Kellen and Cameron have helped you along with their raw honesty too. Is it okay if I link this blog post to one I’m writing now? It’s so important to show people that love is love and understanding is a process. Thanks so much for sharing both pieces of writing 💜
Absolutely Bonnie. If you share, it will be doing some of the work for me.
It has been important to me to share this one from 2015, because I am pretty sure I had never heard from a parent with a similar experience at the moment I knew I was the parent of a transgender child. I felt lost, and alone, and without a rudder, you know? My own parents at that time …well, let’s just say I was not able to tell a word of this to them. So there I was, trying to navigate through it, all by myself, while grieving and confused. When I tell people I am glad Pedro is also the parent of a transgender child, I mean it so deeply. No one in the world can understand it like another parent who has gone through the same thing.
It’s important for me to tell another parent: it is HARD. But it’s absolutely worth it, and good for everyone, and we are not alone.
Lessons learned and learning and demonstrated as long as I have had the pleasure of knowing you, Crystal XX
What a kind response, my friend. Thank you very much for your support and validation. Hugs and love. ❤
XX
A heartfelt story, Crystal. Your grown children, they, are ever so lucky to have you in their lives. And vice versa. You and Pedro are the only two people I know (or at least know of) who have experienced having transgender children. So, I am learning from you.
I have had long and rewarding relationships with gay people, however. The best man at my first wedding was gay and remained a close friend up until he passed away. Other than Peggy and my first wife, the two women I dated for several years were both gay.
Curt I appreciate that you are an ally and that you are open to learning from Pedro and me. To be honest, it’s uncomfortable work, and I am impressed that you are willing to take it on. I think everyone who lets a person in the LGBTQ+ community into their lives will find what you did, that those relationships can be long and rewarding. We are all just people, doing our best, and all seeking the same ultimate goals of safety and love and happiness.
If I were religious, Crystal, I would say Amen. We all lose when anyone is discriminated against for race, religion, sex, sexual preference, ethnicity or a number of other factors.
I so agree with you that kindness trumps everything else, Crystal. What a journey! For all of you.
Oh gosh, yes. A journey. One of those special journeys when you do not know where it leads, and yet you choose to go anyway, and are made a better person in the end.
kindness and love = oh the love of a momma’s heart is everything
!
xxx
Thank you, Yvette. I was lucky enough to receive the unconditional love of a mother, and I am happily able to offer the same to my own child.
They are kind, honest and honorable. What more could a parent ask of their child. It’s harder for them in an unfavorable world even than for you. Absolutely love that quilted looking shirt. Hugs from me to them. It’s been a while since I’ve seen them.
I will let Kellen know you send hugs. Thank you Marlene! You are right to remind me that it’s harder for them than for me. I need to remain humble. My kids are the ones brave enough to charge forth into the world when not everyone wants to know who they are.
I often tell my sister she came here to do the hard work. I’m just the support system.