Tips for Men

Man holding a fish.
Man holding a fish.

EIGHT TIPS for men uploading photos for your online dating profile:

  1. Do not make the one where you’re holding the fish your main profile photo. Or the other one where you’re holding a fish.
  2. It is obvious which photos were taken in the 1990s. We don’t need those.
  3. Please upload photos of yourself. The photos of your bicycle, your car, your boat, your Harley, your grill, and all those photos of the fish you catch are missing the point, which is that we want to know what you look like.
  4. Smile. None of your buddies can see you here so you don’t have to pretend you’re a baddass thug. Well, if any of your buddies do see you here, then they probably think you are more attractive when you smile, too.
  5. Multiple photos of places that you have seen and/or like, including images you took from the web (yes that was obvious too)…particularly when there is no caption…do not enhance a viewer’s knowledge of who you are.
  6. Selfies in the bathroom are gross. And not just because you haven’t cleaned the glass for 18 months.
  7. All six of your photos are you mugging for yourself in front of your computer screen. I can tell because your face is lit up with blue light and you have the same exact expression. There must be a photo of you somewhere. Ask someone to take your photo. Do you have friends? Co-workers? Anyone? Hell, I will meet you for coffee and take your photo.
  8. I see that you love your dogs, but do not upload more photos of them than of you. No, not even the ones when they were puppies, or the one when they were fetching sticks in the lake, or even all the adorable photos of when they are napping on the couch. No really. Just one photo of the dogs is sufficient. Just. One.
{photo by Emmet McCusker}

I’m single and busy with work and all my extra-curricular activities, and in years past I spent a lot of time parenting. A schedule like that means I do not meet eligible men. I am comfortable with a computer, which leads me to blog, but it also leads me to online dating sites. I’ve used online sites for over 10 years now, whenever I’m in a drought of meeting people. I’ve had great luck with the sites, and meet mostly genuine people who are in real life the person they projected on their dating profile. In a decade, I’ve only found one man to date long term, but better than that: I’ve made several great friends out of it that still keep in touch. And I have gone on very fun dates. One was a day learning stand up paddle, and I had a blast. The number of people I meet online is exponentially greater than the number I meet in person. Overall, it’s worth the effort to me.

{photo by Stephen Trulove}

Last week, after spending an hour or so reading profiles and looking at photos, I stopped shaking my head and laughing long enough to realize I had been composing a letter in my mind to these guys about Do’s and Don’t’s of online photos. In a moment of inspiration I posted my tips on facebook, and the response was great! My step-dad added his own tip: “To the women, please include a photo of your boat.”

What I did not expect was that in response to my facebook post, my friends (men and women) started replying with pictures of fish. I’ve included a few of them here. Obviously, I had asked for it.

13 thoughts on “Tips for Men

  1. This made me laugh and glad I’m not even trying to date. 🙂 T.S. tried the online thing for more years than I can count. He doesn’t match anyone. 😦 Is there a check mark for socially awkward? After folks get to a “certain age” they get set in their ways and there is very little room for adjusting to someone else. I wish you all the luck in the world. You have a lot to offer. Giant hugs.

    1. I would certainly design dating sites in a different way, if I was trying to make them actually useful. They dedicate so much real estate to things like: eye colour, hair colour, zodiac sign. I mean…really. There are lots of income categories (check the box for your yearly income range), but mostly I want to know if the guy is reliably employed. And then maybe, add a category for outstanding debt, and percentage of retirement savings goal achieved. Because I don’t need someone else’s money, but I’ll be damned if I sign up to supporting any more men.

      You are right about getting to a certain age. I have a great life, and I don’t really need a man, I simply want one. (That usually scares them away. I’m finding that many men define their value in terms of how much a woman needs them.) I’m not willing to compromise much anymore. So, I stay single. ha ha. Oh well. The cat and I get along really well. She hasn’t got much to say about politics and world events, but luckily I’m a great talker, so I make up for it on my end.

      1. “many men define their value in terms of how much a woman needs them.” That says a great deal. On the other side of the coin is that they need a mom replacement. Maybe that could be a calling, Build a decent dating site. I don’t think there is anyone out there for so many that I know. I know I’m so done. I didn’t want to get married (twice) and happy to be single with lots of friends that go home.. 🙂

    1. Isn’t it true?! I had a co-worker pull me aside yesterday and tell me the same thing, “Crystal, I saw your blog post and that is SO TRUE!” ha ha ha. I’m sure there are ridiculous things women do wrong too, but I haven’t looked at their profiles, so I can’t comment.

    1. Thanks! This isn’t normally the kind of thing I put on my blog, but it got a great response on facebook and I thought some of you might get a kick out of it here too. Might as well have a little fun, right?!

      Hey, I’ve been thinking of you guys again (though I haven’t read any of my friends’ blogs in about 10 days) because it’s spring time and it’s time to plant! My four acres are a blank slate. THere are no plants here. No shrubs, no bulbs, no ornamental trees. Really there is nothing. I’ve always had something to work with before, but this time I’m planning from scratch and it’s a bit overwhelming. But still fun. Wish I had you and the Head Gardener for a few months. But I’ll be happy to watch your place evolve, and get inspiration. I found a tiny mom-n-pop nursery, with great prices on camellias, rhododendrons, azaleas, honeysuckle, lavender, jasmine, and I even bought a couple of Japanese maple. It’s a start. I feel like I can’t even begin to think about roses until I get a foundation. And I am just dreading to see what the deer will do with what I have so far.

      1. It looks as if you have made a good start with shrubs and trees. I think the plan will evolve as you go along. Sorry we can only inspire. Will enjoy seeing the progress. The deer will be a problem I am afraid. There’s not much they don’t eat.

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