I’m gonna be happy if it kills me

I’m grumpy grumpy grumpy today. All day yesterday I was in such a stew I couldn’t even do anything. It was Saturday. I’ve got LISTS of things scattered around the house of all I wish I could do if I ever got the time. And rather than get stuff done, I pretty much just crouched in front of the fire. Grumpy. And cold.

I’m such a puss. The cold has a lot to do with it. Such a simple little reason and that’s probably why I don’t give myself permission to recognize the power it has. I read one of my favourite blogs this morning, and she said the same thing. Being cold, wearing clothes that are too tight, or whatever dumb little thing it is, can wreck my day.

I want to be more of a spiritual powerhouse than that.

I have been humbled in the past year by the work of my boyfriend in his AA community. The guy has taken over a leadership role and is working his butt off to be more of what he wants to be in his community. Then, he saw that his family was beginning to suffer from his constant absences to take care of his AA commitments and sponsorships, so he shifted gears and began telling the guys “no” so he could spend more time with us.

I see him walking a path to evolving spirituality, and I know I should be walking it too. In fact, I know I want to walk it. So what is stopping me?

Because I have drifted so far from my own authenticity, I get angry at all the things around me that are “causing” my poor mood. The cold, the tight clothes, my boyfriend putting the toothpaste on the wrong side of the sink. I am fighting to avoid facing the reality that my joy is right here inside of me no matter what the weather is.

I am fighting to avoid knowing that I can’t view my life accurately until I find humility. Mark’s buddies in AA know that to be happy, they have to save another drunk and stop thinking about themselves. I don’t think I need to save a drunk, but I do desperately need to find a way to get out of my head and start giving more. I am very good at being generous and helping, so I don’t know why it’s so easy for me to lapse into selfishness.

It’s my chore for the week then. Find humility and stop being so damn cranky. My mother is coming on Thursday to stay for a week. It might be the perfect time to practice humility and generosity.

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