What or Who is the Greatest Love of Your Life?

The title of this post is one of Marcel Proust’s questions, made famous when his answers to this 19th century British parlour game were discovered in a book and published. Apparently, these Confessional Albums came pre-populated with the questions already printed inside, repeated on subsequent pages, I assume. Then the owner of the book would pass it to visitors and ask them to write in their answers. I saw images of these books, and the lovely visitors managed to answer briefly. Often, in a single word.

Ha! That is something I cannot do. I have printed out the questions answered by Proust (since there are some variations in the different sources), and have slowly been answering them for myself, out of curiosity. Each question makes me think deeply, and I write until I run out of thoughts on the topic. I have filled pages of my journal doing this, but I’m making it work for me.

I’ve mentioned these questions before, because I got the idea from a blogger friend, Bonnie. For this day of love, I skimmed through the questions to find one relevant, and this is one is perfect. Here is what I put into the book:

The question feels big. It requires thought. Maybe that’s why I have avoided it. I guess it’s easier for me if I break it into pieces: “what” and “who” instead of trying to nail down one overarching, gigantic love of my life.

Interesting. As soon as I do that, it’s a much easier question. Who – is Kellen. I have turned myself inside out to do my best to nurture that kid. I think it’s a measure of love one has for a person: am I willing to change myself to support their needs? I don’t mean give up myself, my personality or character, though. That’s a critical caveat. I have, in the past, abandoned myself for someone I love. That is a recipe for disaster.

My love for Kellen helped teach me how to love a partner, because here was the first person in my life who I wanted in my life for my entire life. Losing Kellen was (is) never an option as long as I can help it. I cannot lose them physically – so I must protect them. I cannot lose them cognitively – so again, I need to protect my baby’s mind, and spirit, and heart. I cannot lose my relationship with them – so I need to be the best version of myself.

That last part is the part where I have worked the hardest. I strained to be a better listener, and to be better at demonstrating my support. No distracted “uh-huhs” in a conversation, no eye rolls, or laughing at naive questions. Those were my goals, of course, not achievements. I was a self-absorbed young person in my twenties, and had a lot to learn.

What makes me think Kellen must be my greatest love is that I have been prepared to rearrange my world concepts in order to love them with my total heart. I was not raising a little girl after all like I thought I was, and I learned to habitually use weird and awkward pronouns, and then I had to let go of my image of their former physical presentation that I love, but they do not. I had to let go of my baby’s name, and use a new one. I fought it, and struggled, and was impatient, and resentful. And when I would make peace with one thing, Kellen would drop something new on me. I even suspected for a while that they were doing it on purpose to test my support of them.

“Do you really love me? Prove it.”

But each time I resisted and was stubborn about embracing the new version of Kellen, we fought, and I began to lose them. The one thing that cannot happen. I began fighting with their partner – not real fighting, but more like we were frustrated with each other. And that’s ridiculous; and clearly me looking for blame in the wrong places.

Once more I had to let go of the shape of the world I thought I lived in. My Kellen – while we share SO many things about what we love in life – is not a mini-me, and is rather an absolutely perfect person who is different than me in ways I don’t always relate to. Looks different, cares about different things, has different goals, different desires, and the same need to be loved.

What I mean when I say love them with my total heart, is not “I love you despite all your shortcomings,” ha ha!! My goal is to face Kellen exactly as they are, with the uncomfortable and unfamiliar parts too, and love THAT person with all my heart. It takes work. Maybe that kind of love is obvious to other people, but I was never taught this kind of love and had to figure it out. I really hope I can learn to do it with Pedro too.

I think it is exhausting to love someone well. I’m trying to learn Spanish to communicate better with Pedro. It sucks. I am failing. But I will keep trying because I want to know what it’s like to chatter with him in the language he grew up with. I’m learning to change my worldview for our relationship, because it has paid off with Kellen.

Now for the “what.” As I’ve been writing this, my brain has been clicking away and I came up with another geometry solution: if this, then that. So I decided Kellen is the person I love most because of my behavior. Thus I used my behavior to decide that being in wild places with mountains is the thing I love most. For years I have been keeping a mental list of wilderness mountain trails that would be suitable for a wheelchair.

Because of my friend Margaret (you know her), I went on trails into the mountains for the first time about 25 years ago. Once I realized that wild mountains are a sort of lifeblood for me, I developed this almost subconscious fear of not being able to hike. If I am lucky enough to die old, then the most logical thing that would keep me off a trail would be an inability to physically traverse one. There are many more wheelchair-friendly wilderness trails than I would have expected (now that I’m looking). There are websites that track them, too!

I think that mountains in the wilderness must be the thing I love most because otherwise why would I feel stressed out without the presence of wheelchair trails? Though I don’t currently need them physically, I need those trails emotionally. Now I have some peace and no drastic time pressure. I will need to grow exceptionally frail before I will be faced with total inability to go out.

“I want to see mountains again, Gandalf, mountains!”

Ok, that was question #8. Only 27 more to go in the list. I am pretty sure I’ll run out of space and need a second journal. Or maybe I can learn to answer these questions in a single word. I mean, I could have just made this post: “Kellen.” But look at how much else I got out of this. I like my way better.