I miss my mom.
It’s been almost a year now since she died of cancer. The nasty black insidious mold creeping through her tiny body and taking hold everywhere before anyone knew what was going on.
I still have her last text messages on my phone. I finally found the strength to read through them today. Well, almost. I read through most of it, absorbing the awful meaning of the fumbled letters from her shaky fingers. I was at work and had to stop when the tears blurred the screen. I’ll share this desperately poignant and personal lingering bit of my mother with you.
December 1, 2011
Mom: I am thrilled with the Rosewater. (I bought some of her favourite perfume for her) Also I shake so bas in the morn I can hardly txt
Me: I was wondering about that – the texts.
Mom: sorry
Me: Pa sent the kindest email about how you need to know what a Legacy you’ve created. I will send it to you.
Me: Grandma Freda’s brother Dwight is a pastor, and he has been praying for you. He’s got an inside track to God, ha ha!!
December 2, 2011
Me: I had a great talk w your brother last night. He is perfect up there right now. (Mike parked his RV at a park in Bonners Ferry.) I am so glad he’s going to stay in Bonners for awhile.
December 3, 2011
Me: Good morning, Moma. I love you. Scrambling eggs and leftover ham for T before ballet.
Me: Are you available for a phone call?
Mom: Not yet.we R just loading laundry.I’ll call
Me: ok
December 4, 2011
Me: Good morning, my Moma!!
Mom: Gettingalot sicker.I may needU sooner. I’m trying to ignore but igs getter harder.I have to tons of xmascards, I already cant evenwrite tons of mistaaks
Me: Moma!! I can write cards for you!! I am so eager to help. Thank you for letting me know, i will talk to my boss.
Mom: Bruv (She called her twin brother Mike “Bruv”) will be livin in town,bet we can work out a plan!
Me: Yes, but you have no wireless Internet, so I may disintegrate with despair! Ha ha
Me: Is life possible without Internet?
Mom: Bruv is hooked to RVERTHING at motel!
Me: Ha ha! I’m sure. I can go visit him and check my email.
Mom: Boys here next week end,so mayby anyday after that
December 5, 2011
Me: Good morning, Moma. Miss T (my daughter) slept with me last night. She is the sweetest girl. We are so lucky to have her.
Mom: She is something that gets richer every year
Me: Yes, that’s true
Me: We dropped to 28 last night. 30 deg now
Mom: We R15. Di d U loose a maroony jacket?I found it in my closet
Me: I can’t think of any jacket I’m missing.
Mom: ok
Me: I have been thinking about how awesome your visit in June was. The food carts, naked bikers, clothes shopping, graduation dress.
Me: It was probably one of our best visits ever. How lucky we are.
Mom: Wow. That was such a suupper great time we had. amazng gift
December 6, 2011
Me: Just talked with my supervisor’s boss about leaving. I will come up there Saturday. I have enough vacation time to go through Jan 20.
Mom: I was qoin t o
December 7, 2011
Me: I put up the website today, and people have already donated $265 toward your medical bills! People are wonderful. 🙂
December 9, 2011
Me: I get to see you tomorrow, Moma! And you get to see your boys tonight.
…
And that’s it. As you can see, she lost the ability to text, and so I stopped trying. I sent two more messages in case she could look at her phone and read it.
I arrived December 10th and she was gone December 15th. She couldn’t really talk, but for a couple of days, she could tell what was going on, and I was able to make her smile once or twice.
Still can’t bring myself to clear my text messages. In fact, I still pull my phone out to send her texts. She’s that much a part of my life still. There are some moments when I can’t believe she’s gone. I know it’s a cliche. But this woman was so full of LIFE! How can she not be alive? And she was intermingled in my life in every way. I get angry sometimes that I don’t get any more of her. But mostly, I’m sad.
Conscious Engagement 
Thank you for sharing a dearly and moving part of your life, Crystal. You are a brilliant, warm and joyful hearted person. Though strangers, I hope to meet you, for chat, coffee and cake, if you happen to pass by Copenhagen, Denmark.
Your blog follower and reader,
Prayson
Thank you, Prayson. We are hardly strangers anymore. Thank you for your kindness and I will keep your invitation in mind when I go travelling.
Oh but Crystal -your mother is alive! She’s in your heart and soul. I just saw her as I read this.
Miss you my good friend,
Deb-B
Deb-B, you never cease to be a loving friend. Thank you for supporting me for all the years we’ve known each other.
Thinking of you, my dearest friend. I love what Deb-B wrote above; so true! All of the wonderful qualities you admire in your mother, those are in you, too. I can also see so much of you in the photo of her. She was just as lucky to have you as you were to have her. Try to be gentle with yourself as this milestone passes. And call me anytime you want to talk. Meanwhile, I’m sending you love and light and hugs. xo
Kisses and hugs to you, my beloved friend.
Wow, memories. Sharing moments like these sends a rush of thoughts into my mind and it is difficult to slow them down long enough to put them into words.
I’m thinking of the time we spent together nearly a year ago, time I spent with my late husband before he passed away nearly 12 years ago and you my dearest of all cousins and gift to us all.
Prayson, Deb-B., & Elisia voice so eloquently how you have touched the lives of others in the same depth Auntie touched the lives of those she knew. She is in you, with you, and will continue to be there so long as you need her. Whenever you need a reminder she will touch your heart with a smell, song, memory, or dream to let you know that she is right beside you. She will always love you.
I love you too and will be here as your earthly reminder of your goodness.
Your greatest fan.
Cuz Debbie
Aw, Cuz. You channeled my mom just there and maybe didn’t even know it. She often signed her letters to me, “Your #1 fan.” Your gift to me last year by helping me take care of her could be the greatest thing another human has done for me my whole life. I will never, ever forget and I can only hope to repay the kindness somehow, by being here for you, too, if you ever need me. Thank you for turning your own tragedy of losing your husband into the beauty of helping your Auntie (and cousin).
I wouldn’t delete them … so sorry for your loss … thank you for sharing your mother with us!
I appreciate your comments and I am happy to share my Moma. 🙂
Thank you for sharing such poignant together moments. ❤
❤