For my friends and family in the U.S., I hope you are so far not directly affected by the psychopath in the White House. We have been. And we knew we would be, because he was very clear before elected that he wanted to destroy the government as we know it. But yeah, lots of people thought those promises were either hot air or would not be that bad. There were apathetic people who didn’t think their vote mattered, or even that all politicians are the same, so carelessly didn’t take action. The consequences are hitting harder and faster than I expected.
Yesterday was hard.
A memo came out of the White House yesterday morning that immediately called Pedro’s job into question. He works in medical research and his department survives on federal grants from NIH and CDC and the like. Pedro is currently a Principal Investigator on a huge diabetes research program that also had a Covid component. Though Congress had already approved 2025 funding, Trump ordered that none of the payments be disbursed.
The office was in chaos all day, till a judge put an emergency block on the order while the legality of going against Congress is challenged. This is a temporary relief, but as you can guess, everyone at his work is finding it hard to focus. They tentatively can survive till October 1 (beginning of next federal fiscal year). After that, his job may disappear. It appears that Trump (or Vice President Musk) does not find cancer or diabetes or Covid research important.
At the same time, an email went out to all civilian federal employees (2.5 million I believe), implying that they should voluntarily quit their jobs. There would be a period of continued pay, but no questions asked if people just wanted to walk away from federal employment. This email apparently mimicks the one Vice President Musk sent to all employees at Twitter when he took it over, and he managed to reduce the workforce by 80%. In my own mind, I thought if I had been working when I received this message, I would have jumped on the opportunity to get paid to quit. I’m like those mice in the book Who Moved My Cheese. I am always looking for new choices, new directions, new ways to challenge myself. But many people do not have this personality. And many of my friends and former co-workers at the Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) love their jobs, and love helping veterans and being a net good in society. It was a tremendous emotional blow to be told that their work and contribution is not valued.
I will only comment on VA right now because it is the agency I have the most current knowledge of, and contact with. VA benefits (separate from VA healthcare) is already an understaffed, high-pressure work environment. If VA lost 80% of its work force, it would cease to function. Veterans with disability compensation claims would not get their concerns addressed timely or at all. In VA healthcare, there would be a more critical impact, as veterans who don’t get care timely or at all can die. I get 100% of my care with VA, so that would affect me immediately.
One of my former co-workers reached out to contact me and ask if he could use me as a reference and connection if he were to seek employment with Veterans of Foreign Wars (VFW), the organization that pays me to teach in Annapolis periodically. I said of course. Another one said there has been talk of loyalty screenings, prompting her to take steps to remove herself from social media. She said some agencies have already asked employees to stop listing their pronoun preferences on agency correspondence.
Another former co-worker posted on Facebook that “I’ve never felt so unappreciated for working my ass off as a federal employee until now.” She went on to elaborate, “We got an email last week with the words “national embarrassment” in it and now another one that says they cannot guarantee the certainty of our position or agency and has a tone of them hoping we resign. I’m going on 17 years of service. Every one of my coworker friends works just as hard as I do. We have to prove we are working with a rigid monthly quota. The emails we have been sent in the last week and a half from this administration are so unprofessional – it’s almost laughable it is allowed.” I can confirm the quotas, which were in place when I worked there, and the stress they caused is the reason I left VA. It does not matter how hard the veteran’s case on your desk is; you must complete a certain number per day or you get fired.
I had a physical therapy appointment at VA yesterday, and while I was warming up on the bike machine, asked my PT how she was doing. This mature woman who typically keeps things close to the chest, let out a big breath. She explained that the federal ban on hiring has made things very tough for her department. They were already short staffed, then a woman took a different job in December, then another PT fell on ice and broke her wrist the week before. I told her I would give up my appointments for people who need it more than me. I said I could work on it at home. She shook her head and firmly stated that I needed to continue my care. “It just won’t be as often as I would like,” she said.
Then my PT explained that her son is partway through his medical PhD program. His funding was just stopped. The family is not sure what to do next.
After my physical therapy, I stopped by the front desk and asked to talk to a nurse. I have had a persistent cough since the 7th of January, when I was in New Zealand. It causes my throat to get inflamed and to close up so I can’t breathe, which is really scary. I wanted some reassurance that I am not going to die when this happens. So they got me to a nurse. She was not able to reassure me, and said yes, if my throat closes, I could die. She said I should go to the Emergency Room.
Now, I am a person who resists all medical care, all doctors, all medications. I simply don’t think humans need as much medicine as society thinks we do, in the case of someone like me who is generally healthy. But…I just turned 55, and I’m getting nervous about my increasingly frail human body. I decided to follow her advice.
It was miserable. I hate ER, don’t you? I sat there for four hours before a doctor could see me. I spent my time on my cell phone with VA free WiFi alternating between research on what it means to cough so hard your throat closes up, and what to do about it, and also what are the Project 2025 plans regarding federal retirement or veteran benefits. For those who don’t know, in 2022, The Heritage Foundation, a conservative think tank, and 140 former Trump staffers, authored something they call Project 2025 – a roadmap for what they planned to recommend to Trump if he got into office. The Trump administration is dutifully following the guidance. In their brief time in power, the administration is attempting to eliminate all LGBTQ and minority protections (they have already ceased all inclusion, educational, and outreach programs for minorities in the military), to conduct mass deportations (government raids and mass arrests and deportations have already occurred), elimination of asylum programs for legal immigrants (already occurred), to eliminate access to abortion, to eliminate birthright citizenship, conduct unrestrained government surveillance, mobilize police and military to target journalists and activists, reduce voting access, to prevent evolution from being taught in schools, and to bring prayer into public schools. Much of this has already happened in the first two weeks of the Trump administration, leading me to expect the rest to happen soon.
Anyway, the REASON I was trying to figure out what the plans are for federal pensions and VA benefits is because that is my current income. If Pedro loses his job, I need to be able to take care of both of us. Until yesterday, I always felt confident that my retirement income was reliable. But with a person in charge of the government who makes so many decisions that defy logic, I no longer feel safe. I was not able to find any Project 2025 plans to eliminate federal pensions or VA benefits already being paid, so for the moment, we can consider my income plan B for Pedro.
In the meantime at the ER, they sent me to get swabbed for Covid, to give blood, and to get X-rays. The results are: I do not have Covid, my bloodwork looks great, my lungs and heart look great. The person who drew my blood told me they were having flashbacks from being a Corpsman in the Navy. There was a time under Obama when there was a massive drawdown and aboard a ship that should have had a crew of 5,000, they were down to 4,200. Everyone had to pick up extra jobs, work longer hours, have fewer days off. “I expected that kind of thing in the military, but not here,” they said. Apparently, working conditions are stressful at the VA hospital too. Drastically understaffed, they said, and suffering with the hiring freeze.
It seemed like I could not escape the stress yesterday.
One of the things I did during those boring four hours was look at facebook. My blogger friend Bonnie posted “What is the best that could happen?”
Pedro and I accidentally get into these worry spirals about where this could all end up. Since I listen to a daily financial podcast, I know that uncertainty causes problems in the economy. In our case, we have uncertainty on top of unhinged threats of tarriffs and sanctions that would have a quick repercussion in our economy. We also have a very real command to stop funding many government programs to assist people with health care and food, which would have an instant social impact and also economic fallout. When my head goes in this direction, it is very easy AND LOGICAL to conclude that the United States is about to implode. (Those of you with investments, take note.) But Bonnie asked me the opposite question. Not “How bad could it get?” but rather “How good could it get?”
Since we don’t know the future, things could actually be much better than we think. Maybe our government has built in enough stop-gaps to sort of protect us for four years, and we can get through by the skin of our teeth and begin to rebuild, as we did four years ago. Maybe all the idiots who thought letting Trump into office was not a big deal, will be personally affected, when their older kids can’t finish school, and their younger kids don’t get school lunches, and their parents can’t get their meds, and they are asked to quit their jobs. Maybe, just maybe, this terrible, terrible man will be terrible enough to make people wake up and stop supporting him. It’s actually not a stretch, to think that in two years, when it’s time to vote again for leaders in Washington, that finally people will have a better sense of what an unrestrained Trump means in their lives. Maybe they will withhold their support.
During my driving around yesterday, I ended up at one stoplight behind a vehicle plastered in stupid MAGA stickers. One of them had the Don’t Tread On Me snake with the message: FAFO. I shook my head and smirked at that vehicle, and thought, Indeed. Fuck around and find out.
I am convinced that there is as much of a chance of surviving this chaos as there is to be crushed beneath it. I asked Pedro at the dinner table last night to join me in trying not to dwell on the fearful possibilities. He said a person can’t control what their mind thinks about. I told him I disagree. With practice, we can choose to see options, rather than see only a wall. Pedro does this all the time, only he doesn’t realize it. But I will bring it up with him again, and I will ask you too, to try this exercise with me: What is the best that could happen? Let’s practice tapping in to our inner strength.
Conscious Engagement 
I was eliminated under the “reinvention” of government – Clinton’s great idea to reduce government. All that did was make room for more political appointees. And that’s what I think this will be about, too – political hacks.
I truly sympathize. I went through two years of hell afterward. I sincerely hope that you and Pedro do not have to scramble because the Orange Buffoon wants loyalty above competence.
I’m sorry you had to go through that, Lou. I was a federal employee under Clinton too. I was fortunate enough to keep my job through all the changes of administration from the late 1980s when I first started working for the government till 2018 when I was granted the opportunity to retire. Federal workers are so often abused in public, like they are all a bunch of lazy losers who suck up the taxpayer’s money and give nothing back. Since you were a federal worker, you know that the people who do those jobs are mostly hard workers who care about their jobs and doing them well. Thank you for your good thoughts. Pedro and I will be ok. I hope you are too.
It is some kind of shitshow, huh? I wish I were as confident as others that we will actually have a free and fair election in four years. I’m skeptical, but what anyone who has ever been a part of the resistance knows, we have to be ready for the long game. I know how resourceful you both are and I hope you both trust your instincts. I’ve also heard the advice that we should choose a few things that stand out with regard to our personal outrage and give them our 100%. We can’t all fight everything, but I feel pretty confident our “resistance” is brave and smart and passionate. Maybe that is the “best thing that can happen”. Another friend has reminded me over and over “when one door closes, another door opens … but it’s hell in the hallway”.
Welcome to the hallway. We can do this.
Oof, what a hallway. I’m glad so many people I love are here in the hallway with us. Yes, we can do this. I appreciate your optimism and your strength, even though you are not optimistic about everything. No matter how awful things are in government, there will be owls to photograph, and snow to climb to, and sunrises.
Well, this really does tell us how it is. “Implode” is a word I have been using about your plight for years. Of course you are worried about Pedro’s future. At least you have some reassurance about your cough. Yes – practice your inner strength, of which you have loads
Thank you Derrick. You know, these are good examples of on the ground impacts, but so far it seems like vague stuff. Witholding money, rumors of surveillance, pressure at work…these things are all for creating chaos, and fear. In that kind of environment, we become easy to control. My dark and cynical guess is that controlling us is the entire point. I am strong, and so is Pedro, and we trust each other to be strong. That has come to mean very much to me.
Best thing that could happen: Trump could have a heart attack and keel over dead. I think what he is doing will have such nasty repercussions that there will be an enormous backlash, both politically and legally. I don’t doubt the repercussions of his actions. I may be optimistic about the backlash.
I have been wishing for his death for years now. Though other people will try to pursue his same actions, no one can do it with the same cult of personality, and it would benefit the whole world. I believe I am cynical now, and have come to believe that you and I are now minorities in the world, and that more people now actually DO want this kind of megalomaniac gaslighter oligarch in charge. I always have a flame of hope somewhere inside, but right now it is barely a pilot light.
Admittedly the world is at a strange point now, Crystal. I think a lot of people are going to be surprised when they get what they seem to be asking for. On a more positive note, this stuff is cyclical. I did see that Trump pulled back his attack on the grant’s based programs. At least for the present. So Pedro’s position may be safe for a little longer. I’m not sure that Trump has a clue what the implications of his actions will be
Yes, we were relieved that the order had been rescinded. Word is now that they are trying it again, only instead of a full ban on grants, they are attacking recipients one by one, in order to be more targeted. In any case, if Pedro’s job is safe for 2025 because the grants were already approved by Congress, we are worried that these grants will not be awarded for 2026.
Hard not to worry about what will happen in a year from now, Crystal, or in the next ten minutes!
I can only imagine what you and Pedro are going through at the moment, Crystal. Uncertainty, especially when politicians play with people’s lives in this way, is difficult to deal with. A big hug to both of you.
Thank you so much, Jolandi. It is very stressful. I have been filled with gratitude so often that I am going through this with Pedro, rather than alone. We are both worried that we will lose our future income, and it is helpful to have someone to share that with, and support each other through. It’s also hard to know, as a citizen, how best to use our power to fight this. We both want to play a role, somehow, so we keep watching for opportunities.